Survival Guide

So this post does not fall in line with my typical postings. It’s just something I felt like writing about. It’s not necessarily thoughts or any great quotes on ways to improve your life, however, it could be helpful if you find yourself in one particular situation.

I often find myself putting myself in “what if” scenarios and deciding in my head what I would do “just in case.” It’s totally relevant because if I ever find myself married to a robot or framed for a crime I didn’t commit I will know exactly what to do because the situation has been well thought out beforehand. One common scenario that I think about is “what if I was homeless?” I feel like I have come up with some pretty good ideas and strategies to get by that I think I’d survive – and not only survive, but I’d do it with style! So if that day ever comes that I’m on the streets and its survival of the fittest – I’ve got it covered. Here are my thoughts:

First of all – who needs to beg for money for food when you could get three perfectly good meals on your own – no cash needed. That’s right – Costco provides. Yeah yeah yeah, I know you need a membership, but really how often do they stop you completely upon entrance to check your card? Rarely. The only time you really need it is when you purchase. And purchasing is not necessary when there are FREE SAMPLES!! I remember going there on Saturdays as a kid with my dad and by the time we had savored all the delicious samples (and maybe gone back for seconds a couple times) we were full as could be, no need to stop for lunch on the way home! So I’d pick the times of the day when Costco has the most traffic and just enter in with one of the crowds. Maybe stand next to a family with kids and act like I’m the oldest sister, or maybe the crazy Aunt. Of course, if you look like a rugged homeless person this will attract unneeded attention, which is why the next piece of advice is crucial.

Beach showers. I’d definitely clean myself up once in a while. The better you look as a homeless person I’m sure the better your chances are of getting a job eventually and getting out of this unfortunate position. You may not want to get completely naked in such a public place, but I’m sure you could get a good pair of board shorts, speedos, or swimsuit (whatever you prefer) from a thrift store with change you can find on the street. Although wearing a used swimsuit isn’t high on my list of things I’d want to do at this point, desperate times call for desperate measures. Anyways, they have showers all over the beaches that are open for free use. This is why it’s also important to be a coastal bum. I never understood why there were so many homeless people in places like New York, DC, or even San Francisco. Talk about inclement weather! Get outta there!! I’d venture west, and not just west, I’d be sure to make it down to Southern California where the sun shines year round and there are zero chances I’ll be sleeping on a bed of snow and very low chances of getting consistently rained out. 75 degrees throughout most of the year makes for some great weather for outdoor living. Hawaii would be the best place, but I just don’t see how one would make it over there unless you were fortunate to start out there in the first place. So before you hit up Costco for free samples make sure you rinse down and repeat a few times. However, you can’t just rinse down – you must use soap and shampoo/conditioner if at all possible, which leads me to my next recommendation.

This is where it gets tricky. I don’t like to condone or suggest any unethical behavior, and even if I were a bum living in the most extreme conditions I’d like to think I’d remain an ethical person. So I’m not sure how bad this one is on the Richter scale of naughtiness …BUT….I’ve always thought about how in most hotels they give out those tiny shampoo/conditioner bottles and soap bars like candy. I mean, even if you hardly use a dab, when the maid comes in to clean the next day they replace the old bottles with completely full new ones. Shampoo/conditioner and soap aplenty! I’m not sure if they throw the used bottles away or what they might do with them. Somehow I think it would be pretty easy to get your hands on those sample size goodies. Whether you grab a few off the maid’s cart while she’s in the room, or maybe you even ask - I’m sure they would be willing to spare a few bottles for someone in need. Even if it is the bottles that have been slightly used! With these items you’re good to go and looking sharp. Maybe even ready for an interview if you can work on the wardrobe.

As for a place to live, I’d save up for a tent. I like privacy and even though the weather in Southern California is usually very nice, the winter nights can get cold and having a tent to at least shield the wind would be nice. I’d probably scope out beaches that weren’t highly patrolled and set up shop there until I got kicked out. Then maybe head to some field in Riverside if that didn’t work out. Another thing I’d save up for – a battery powered radio/CD player. Music makes me happy, and if I have music playing I think I’d be a happy bum. I’d blast my music in my tent and invite people over for dance parties and dance away regardless if anyone joined me or not. Which leads me to my last aspiration as a homeless person.

Networking. If I were a homeless person I would make friends with other homeless people. Id’ be the most popular bum west of the Mississippi. People would know me by name. Not only can you combine resources, but you would have COMPANY and FRIENDS! Life can’t ever be that bad if you are loved and have people to love. Rather than seeing them as competition I’d try to unite as one and be kind of like a club. I’d hang out with them all the time and go on lots of adventures. Plus, strength in numbers if anyone ever tried to mess with our stuff. Not only would I try and find friends, but I’d try to find a homeless boyfriend. Honestly, I really think that when you are love no matter what life throws at you, you seem to find a way to be happy. One thing I LOVE about LOVE is that ANYONE can feel those feelings. Fat, skinny, poor, rich, black, white, Cuban, weird, with home or without home we can all feel that exact same feeling. The feeling of being in love. And it’s great!! So I would find an eligible homeless man and ask him out. I think our first date would be taking a walk on the beach or something like that. Anyways, hopefully sparks would fly and we’d eventually fall in love. Then you know how people get when they’re in love – they say things like “I don’t care where I live or where life takes me as long as I’m with you.” Yep, being homeless wouldn’t matter so much anymore. However, if we did want to get married and have a family then someone better find a job!

I know I’m not the only weird one that thinks about this stuff. In fact, I was talking to a couple of my friends the other night that had their own ideas about what they would do if they were homeless, and I didn’t even bring the conversation up! So I’m curious…what would YOU do if you were homeless??? Any other ideas you’ve had and anymore advice you have to any homeless people reading this blog?